Cheers to a Great Beginning!

So today marks the very first day of 2019 and how time flies! and I just noticed that the last post I ever done here was back in Feb 2018. Anyway, I'm not here today to write a long list of new year resolutions like I always did in the past. I mean, it is not new year resolution but more like a lifelong goal.

I remember I used to write things like "Oh I want a fitter body, better physique" "I want to travel to somewhere new this year" "I want to earn more money!" and guess what happened at the end of the year? barely 70% of them are achieved. I thought about it for awhile, all these resolutions all these goals and expectation, why do we need to wait till before a new year starts then only we start realizing hey I'm going to do it in a brand new year cause it meant a new start! I thought it is suppose to be something that's on going, not something that you only been reminded of when it is almost coming to an end.

So this year I have no any special resolutions made, I only have one goal to meet.

"To be true and kind to myself"

Because this is when you start talking and listening to yourself, not being told what you should or shouldn't do by those voices around you. 

Of course I have so many things I wish to achieve in the coming years, but I first need to learn how to be true to myself. For me it is the right step that I should take if I'm really expecting a better year ahead! It is ok to stop and ponder for awhile, it is ok to take a break, it is okay to take it slow. You will get there anyway, what matters most is not always about how fast and easy you get to the destination, it is when you start appreciating the beautiful little things you meet along the way. 

Beginner to Intermediate

Hey to my non existed readers/followers (I don't know if anyone still read blog now)

It has been awhile since the last update about my Korean language learning progress, so I'm here to update a little. 

I had actually completed the beginner level (equivalent to TOPIK Level 1 & 2) in last year November in KLH before I flew off to Korea for my trip. And I also took the TOPIK I exam in last October and passed the exam with a Level 2, am very satisfied with the results although I secretly aimed for full marks but I'm finally another step closer to my goal.

To be honest, it was not easy to keep this going because of the sounds coming around. People asked and wondered about my purpose of doing Korean language, they have doubts on my decision. I did got lost for awhile so I actually stopped all my classes after coming back from my trip and have yet to sign myself up for the Intermediate class. 

I asked myself, what exactly was the purpose of me first started joining the class? I did not have a certain answer till today. But along the way I realized, you don't always need an ultimate goal or a valid/practical reason for you to learn something do you? It is kinda similar as you don't expect your kid grow up to be the next Van Gogh when you send them to art classes, so you get my point here?

Learning is the fun part of living, and I sometimes find it dreadful to learn if you were to do it because of some other purposes. I find joy in learning languages I don't need a reason, and I'm not responsible for the answers either. People find joy in cooking so they attend cooking classes, does that make them a chef? Not really. 

I see myself as who I really am when I'm picking a new languages, I like how I go from not knowing a single thing about a new language to finally being able to read and understand. It is an adventurous event to me. As I'm writing this post I have finally gathered enough courage to sign up for the Intermediate class, it is just going to tougher but I really can't wait!

And I can't wait for my next adventure!! 

Quarter life crisis? Yes? No?

I read a post this afternoon, it meant something like this :

We should never rush ourselves into the stages of how the commons would go just because "Ah everyone is going that way so I should too!"
Everyone has and should have their own timeline, no one is ever meant to follow the same suit as the other. I mean WHO the hell said that getting married at the age of 28 and being successful by the age of 30 equals to "Living a good life/Fulfilling the purpose of life/Achieving the lifegoals etc etc" the list goes on I suppose.

It hit me right away?

I was like that, well I mean I might be having the same thought still.

I was brought up in a very typical traditional chinese family which you rarely get complimented on your achievement cause that's your duty as a child, in fact feeling worried about making mistakes or taking the wrong steps because yea again your duty as a child is NOT to make a single mistake and be well.
I grow up being questioned about every decision I make, from the choice of major, choice of school, choice of friends, boyfriends, choice of words. Yes almost all of them. I didn't mean that all of those brought any hazards to me or my life and of course they all meant good in their own ways. Because I know Asian parents are set to bring kids up that way. There is no right of wrong is just a different way of education.

I'm not blaming anyone on this but this kind of background has eventually making me fear of everything I do. From the simplest thing of choosing a pair of shoes to choosing a master degree or a school. I fear of the uncertainties, I fear of the "unforeseen" failures or traps as I was always told. I fear of being again said "told you to not do this, now you see!" And I'm trapped...

And now I can't even choose for myself what the best for me? I'm being told to follow their choice their decision just because it is the road MORE taken. hmm ok? I'm not even sure I will end up regretting doing it or not doing it.

I am always living in regrets, and it doesn't help in moving on at all. Where would this stop? When would I ever stop hearing these noises around my head? When would I ever pick up the courage to take the first step?

渡

現在是深夜1點30分，小小惡魔又在偷襲著我的腦袋。
畢業至今已經4個月有餘，我也陷入了前所未有的低潮期。
我失去對一切事物的渴望，放任自己發胖，發嬾，發脾氣。
時間很多，綽綽有餘我卻在放肆揮霍。我都在自我安慰，時間還多得很。
工作了3個月，除了不斷發現自己有多不足，有多無能以外，毫無收穫。
現在工作的地方和我相像中不太一樣，但也是預料中的事。我的無能，無力，造就了我的畏畏縮縮。我面對難題的逃避，我拒絕成長的抗拒，每一份每一秒都在心裏上演無數場劇。

也許，我很幸運，才初入社會不算太凶險，安穩過日，上班下班，準時發薪。
下班后又是繼續發懶，無所事事。給自己找各種藉口不做任何工作以外的事。對，什麽都不做就是發懶，睡覺時間到上床閉眼睛。我比機械人更無趣吧。
這是社會新鮮人該有的樣子嗎？我以爲我是想象中每天穿得光鮮亮麗，自信光彩地踏出家門，晚上應該會是一種已使盡全力拖著疲憊卻收穫滿滿的身子回家。事實卻是相反。
我再也無力去整理自己的外貌，頭髮一扎，衣服亂套就出門。天啊，我以前就算熬夜再去上課也會擦個口紅吧？？

好討厭現在的自己，懦弱怕事。想做的很多，卻一拖再拖，根本沒有認真去實踐。從前衝勁十足的自己呢？他走了？還是躲起來了？很不服氣，卻也無奈。我連學韓語都提不起勁，到底怎麽了？這個夜晚好難熬，好難過。看似漫長可好不容易睡下又要醒來面對主宰著現今所有的負面情緒。
這是你該有的樣子嗎？？也許是不是該勇敢跨出那一步？生活也許不能太舒適，你會忘了當初讓你拼命的初衷。

載浮載沉的小小船

距離上一個post也有一段時間了，我也不知不覺韓文讀了快一年。
上了四個學期的課，最後一堂也在昨天圓滿完成了。
哦對了，我也忘了聊聊我的近況。（雖然感覺大家不太想知道 *擦淚*）
因爲工作的緣故我目前會定居在家鄉啦啦啦 （就是留在家繼續當蛀米蟲的意思）
很順利也很幸運地找到了工作 （eh 説好的放縱半年頹廢過日呢？*攤手*）沒辦法啊就，老爸老媽都希望我快點滾出去 ~~~ （開玩笑啦，哪裏可能）
目前任職于architecture firm做著本行。還不錯啦一切，輕松了許多沒有太大的壓力了。

至於韓文呢，回來的時候思前顧后了很多也因爲金錢上的考量差點就要換回去自學了。可想想多可惜啊，我好不容易進步了很多的說。
結果在某人的金錢上資助下，我還是順利地多上了一個學期，還報考了10月的TOPIK Exam。
現在還有一個月左右的時間來做準備，希望能夠全力以赴啊。（因爲我沒錢重考啊 *哭*）

你説我這小小的夢想怎麽就能說放棄就放棄，也許真的微不足道，可也是我努力下去的動力。果然夢想不便宜啊，真的不能讓自己變窮。

上課的9個月來，你問我到底學了什麽？我看我們要聊個幾天才行。我學到的何止是課業上的進步，心得和想法上的轉變才是這一年最大的收穫。我不再糾結讀不讀語言這件事了，衹要可以天天做著喜歡的，就算衹是個陪襯的副業我也終究相信自己的能力。不需要什麽證明去告訴自己到底值不值得。在最忙的architecture最後一個學期我也兼顧到了繼續上我的韓文課，還有什麽理由讓自己動上放棄的念頭？

也許這承載這我小小夢想的船現在游走得還是載浮載沉的，但總有一天它會穩定下來，漸漸地往岸邊駛去。加油！

安

我回來了~~~！終於可以在毫無顧慮壓力煩惱的狀態下好好整治一番這裏了，塵都鋪了厚厚一層了omg。

最後一個學期終於于上個星期圓滿結束，雖然后半段有點手足無措卻也有驚無險地度過了。然後也算順利地漸漸邁向人生的下一話，明天一早準備面試和談一些細節，一切ok的話應該下個月就完全是 all by myself。壓力三大不是開玩笑der okkkk (擦汗)

休息中的一個星期裏，我感受了4年來從未真正享受過的自在與快樂。我可以不用鬧鐘，不需要每天規劃著時間表，24小時處於不安和因多睡了一個小時而感到愧疚。
我可以很輕松地迎接每一個早晨，看看書，喝杯咖啡。累了就賴在床，無聊就開車出去吃吃喝喝。真的該好好珍惜！

我要去睡覺了 ~ bye bye

有在策劃著一些改變和把這空間轉型的事，祝我一切順利吧！大家一起為未來加油!

不要再將不喜歡, 沒興趣當成逃避 發懶的藉口. 因為除了你自己, 不會再有更了解你的. 

知道這絕對不是心中所願, 不要再逃了, 逃不掉 就去他的, 往前衝就對了!!!